Wanting to Know You More
I had gone to the eye doctor for my annual contact exam and my eyes were the same as last year - no new contact prescription for me. This should be good news, right? My eyes are not getting worse. Instead, it became a disappointment to me and I couldn't walk away from this until I dealt with it and left it at His feet.
You see, for the past two years, my eyes got better: I was able to lower the prescription by half a power measurement in each eye. This is huge for someone like me, who eyes are so bad they usually don't carry my prescription in stock! (It's a big negative number, which means nearsightedness and lots of correction is needed to give me 20/20 distance vision.) I was content to receive the gradual healing and had thought, "COOL! God, if this is how you want to heal my eyes, half a power each year until I'm 50 something, that works for me!"
But not this year. Now I must be content where they are.
I don't know - yet. Here's a clue from High Road by FJ Roberts "Do not pray to be brought out of the fire until AFTER you have found ME real in the midst of it."
Does He love me any less?
Has His ability to heal changed?
Once again, definitely not.
So what do you do when He doesn't do or act like what you think He would? In the processing of where is my heart in this situation, I realize I am disappointed, and that I don't know him as well as I think I do. Disappointed because He didn't act like I thought He would act. Yet rather than keep Him in this box I have put Him in, He draws me to Him to know Him more. AW Tozer says that "Full knowledge of a personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter." I've had so many encounters with God and think I know Him, but it's a process - there is a lifetime more of encounters to be had. This is one of those encounters that I tried to predict. It doesn't leave me wanting to walk away though, because just like Moses used the fact that he knew God as an argument for knowing him better, I too want to know Him more.
The words of this song may be familiar to you, but I've added the italicized parts:
I want to know you
to experience all of who You are
I want to hear your voice
just like the story of Samuel, I've heard you but didn't know if it was really you,
yet you say "My sheep hear my voice"
I want to know you more
I resist any and every thing that exalts itself against knowing you God
I want to touch you
I want to be within arms' reach of you - one touch brings healing and I am so in need of
I want to see your face
and see You looking into the face of your child with love and joy as I look at my child
I want to know you more
what makes You who you are
Like arrows sent to sabotage (an act or process tending to hamper or hurt), the enemies' arrows are sent to sabotage my joy. So I lay the "important to me" things at your feet
and if they're important to you, I trust You'll take care of them in your time and your way.