Saturday, April 23, 2016

Bending Low

I saw this tree while stuck in traffic on the way to training one morning. A visual reminder of how I feel right now.

Bending over.
Bending low.
That one word "bending" describes this season of life.


It's humbling not knowing everything by experience because I don't have experience in this area of my life, my new job. Or taking my place, wherever I am. At home, at work, with my family, and in life.

So I bend low.
Asking questions of those who have gone before and those who supervise me, ones with experience, and ones whose names I have forgotten for the tenth time.

I bend over.
With the weight of having to look up information and locating the "how to" deal with this and that. I would much rather easily recall it to memory. But I can't yet. I can only process so much newness at a time.

I ask the hard question:
What would love look like?
When I run into someone I knew,
who has hit hard times of accusation.
I could choose to walk away.
But, it was not an accident,
seeing her at the store
that spring afternoon.
So I hug her. Tell her we love her and are praying for her. Wish I would have told her that this does not define her. This is NOT who she is.

There is nothing else to offer in these situations, but love.
The Father's love.
Through me being me.

It's a good place to be.
Bending low.
Looking up to the sky.

A New Dawn

A few months ago, ready for a new thing, I applied for a job. I stumbled upon this new interest by volunteering. There was favor. But the short background story is: While I felt like I was applying for a specific position at a specific location, the way the "system" works, I had to apply for the specific job at ANY location. My application got selected. Then I made it to the interview process. While interviewing, I was shocked to learn that the specific location I was interested in was taken by someone already in the system. 

I held you
firm in my grasp,

I watched you
in the palm of my own hand.

Your words, Father,
the promise.

The feeling
no - wait.
the knowing.

Time to branch out
do something new.
There's more to life.

And I thought I found you.


and favor.
The way was paved.

But here I stand-

Like sand, you slipped right though my hand.
And I don't know if that was me 
or if 

Did I not believe?
Did I get carried away?

What the heck happened?

Because I can't seem to quiet my heart
With all these questions shouting back and forth 
across the recesses of my mind.

Silence that is deafening, 
not peaceful.

Not a word.
No reassurance.

Choking on air,
Hard to breathe,
Tears well from the deep.

Here now. All I know, is I know, that You are here now. Still my heart, Let Your voice be all I hear now. Spirit breathe, like the wind come have your way ... because I know you're in this place.

That is what Hillsong UNITED sings. It IS all I need to know. You're here now.

Asking WHY doesn't help. Doesn't get to the heart of the matter. As Bill Johnson says, "What we DON'T understand is sometimes as important as what we DO understand," and that when you "embrace revelation and embrace mystery, it forms a perfect cross. Mystery is where trust is proven." He says, "There's a pressure to connect the dots, but sometimes the dots need to stay unconnected."
I don't need a thousand empty words; I just need the ones that you have spoken.
Vertical Church band sings that song "If I Have You." And it's true: I just need the words you have spoken. That's why I can't talk to anyone else but You about this until my heart is in the right place. 
"When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost...
Believe you won't lead me where you don't go...
And I will lock eyes with the One who has chose Me."
These truths written deep on my heart from worship songs play over and swirl together.

That was yesterday.
The wound was fresh.
I want to clean it so it heals
and doesn't become something
between You and me.

You say, "It's a new dawn. Let it go. It's in my hands." 

And just like you calm THE storm 
or calm my heart IN the storm,
I know you can change outcomes,
OR You can change my heart.

You see what I don't see.
And I know You know what's best for me.
I've watched You do it before,
when I thought I knew 
what was good,
but You had the best
waiting for me.